Dictated to Rebecca Fairfax:

David, as you know, I am a turtle, but I read The Fountain Hills Times whenever I can get my little clawed paws on it. I just want to give you my support regarding your lovely statement about masters of ineptitude. I went to school with a fourth-grader once for show and tell and learned a lot. I think several of them could have redone the website for less than $45,000, too!

Regarding languages of local wildlife: Heron is a pretty easy language to learn. Rabbit, I am afraid, is another kettle of fish. No one has mastered rabbit languages or the reason why they dart out in from of cars or hang out in streets. I am not sure they live long enough to learn a language.

Most people could understand turtle; speak if they took the time to listen. We are very soft spoken. My great-great aunt, Tortussa, she’s the old lady you helped across the street. She says you must have been a Boy Scout and she is glad you understood how grateful she was.

Charlie, I just want to thank you for the parking lot research. 2,150 spaces within 300 feet of the lagoon. Hmmm. That’s me humming a song my fourth-grade neighbor reminded me of, “Pave paradise and put up a parking lot.”