Not long ago a teen took a kitchen knife to school and hurt some people with it. Here's my tongue-in-cheek narrative to our bureaucratic government’s response.

Considering our government’s usual reactionary behavior, we can expect numerous questions and multiple agencies involved in a typical government solution. Here are some queries.

Do the people really need assault-style kitchen knives? What new laws will best restrict the number, type and ownership of kitchen knives? Why does a kitchen knife need to be sharp?

What new counteracting weapons will all government agencies now require? Shouldn’t we completely regulate the knife industry and increase taxes? Shouldn’t we ask the Justice Department to purchase hundreds of thousands of those horrific kitchen knives, release them into the criminal underworld and not track them? Can we make sure all kitchen knives are registered, personal data gathered and all taxes and fees collected?

Next we will need a new Federal agency run by bureaucrats with complete authority over knives. A presidentially appointed Secretary. A nationally standardized psychological test requiring students to pass in pre-school, fourth grade, eighth grade and eleventh grades.

This will be the educational centerpiece for the government schools K-12 curriculum.

This psychological social engineering will insure nothing bad ever happens again. Once in college, students will be drafted to administer a “special adult government psychological test” to all immigrants and anyone else who hasn’t already received a satisfactory indoctrination.

Now add an “International Monitoring” (I.M.) division for world surveillance.

This new Federal Agency will be called “National Uniform Training System” (N.U.T.S.) and will require everyone living in or visiting the United States to carry an “I.M. N.U.T.S.” pictured identification card at all times.