There’s a numbness clouding my thoughts and invading my wellness. At first I thought it was my conscience questioning why I could not accept rioting, looting and arson to be a natural extension to protesting. The mob rioters were heartless, ruthless and criminal for totally selfish reasons that they claim to be righteous reparations. I had to make a choice, civilization or lawlessness.

The numbness shifted towards anger and resentment. I’m not a racist and I resent being told that I am by anyone. I acknowledge that I am constantly being influenced by my environment and that I must reason my way through the structure and the chaos that circulates around me. Second choice, either think for myself or be absorbed by the mob.

Numbness or disappointment. Disappointed that police brutality was being projected onto me by people acting as my prosecutor, jury and judge. Disappointed that some protesters were so easily led into violent criminal acts. Disappointed that the media could not accurately define and report right from wrong. Finally, and most disturbing was that local leaders fiddled and watched their cities being looted and burned. The next choice, to remain disturbed and unsettled or start self-healing through hope.

The numbness weakens through inner reflection. I’m still processing what I have witnessed in the past two weeks. Do I need to seek forgiveness? For what? I have done nothing wrong, nor do I have to apologetically kneel. I am not a racist. My numbness, my anxiety, results from the fear of being physically attacked and hurt for legally expressing your beliefs. The numbness rises when oppressors attempt to highjack my freedoms by encouraging a lawless mob. I fear most Americans feel abandoned and unprotected by their local elected leaders. Feeling abandoned and unprotected, but unafraid to choose freedom over anarchy.