Short Stuff

by Linda McThrall, editor

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I consider myself a pretty good driver. I’m probably a little old lady-ish, but I have always driven like this. I am compulsively early. I drive in the right lane unless I have to make a left turn (duh) or overtake a slower vehicle. I signal every turn or lane change in ample time and am friendly to my fellow drivers. I am just a regular pleasure to share the road with.

So when my insurance agent asked me if I would be interested in getting one of those plug-in devices that checks your driving skills – how fast you drive, how quickly you accelerate or brake, just basic stuff – I thought, “No brainer.” And I can save up to 10 percent off my rates. Heck, yeah.

The little device comes in the mail, and you just plug in to your computer in your car. Easy enough. I could see the savings adding up already.

After a week, I got a notice in my e-mail that my “driving” report was ready to view. Of course I am imagining that my insurance company is going to give me EXTRA savings because I am such an amazing driver. (No wrecks, no tickets, NO claims.) And my little plug-in is going to prove to the world that I deserve the best driving rating on earth.

Well.

It turns out I am NOT a perfect driver (at least according to the plug-in, which I kind of think is defective). According to the first report, I have a tendency to “brake hard” too much. Like 23 times in the first week. I do everything else well – no hard accelerations, no extreme braking or accelerating. Just this hard braking thing. I do NOT slam on my brakes EVER. Maybe that is what extreme braking would be. But what the heck is hard braking anyway? The report shows all these little graphs and speed vs. distance differentials. Like that MEANS something to me? Ha.

And to top it off, I got NO extra discount. Fortunately I am not penalized either, but shoot. Why did I agree to this?

You look at this report and you can see how many trips you take in one day, how many miles you drive that day and how many “incidents” you have on any given trip. It’s kind of creepy when you really think about it.

Somebody could ask me what I was doing at such and such a time on such and such a date, and if I was driving at that moment, I could actually tell you. It’s not that I actually think somebody is going to wonder what I have been up to, but jeepers, I don’t really like the idea of my insurance company tracking me around when I’m running errands. I don’t think it’s their business if I decide to stop in and have a rocky road ice cream cone at 9 o’clock on a Saturday morning. Maybe I’m just hungry for ice cream. Maybe I just feel like a break. Maybe I just happened to pass a B&R.

Oh, and one other thing you should know about these keen apparati…ya know when it’s time to get emissioned for your license renewal? And you know how you wait in line with your engine running? And how you might wait until the end of the month when all the other jokers have procrastinated about doing the same thing? So you have to wait in longer lines than if you go in the middle of the month (just look at the Website – it’s plain as day that the WORST time to go is the end of the month).

So you have waited almost an hour in the line, and the guy signals for you to drive into the bay so you can have your catalytic converter system checked to make sure your car isn’t emitting terrible pollution. And you get in there, and he asks you to step out of your car, leave the keys and he sits in the driver’s seat and looks down and spots the device.

He looks at you. He gets out of the car and calls his supervisor over. His supervisor has a very serious look on his face and says, “You are disqualified.”

WHAT? Disqualified? Because WHY?

Well, turns out you are supposed to take the stupid little device OUT of your car computer BEFORE you go to the emissions place. Otherwise, you have to drive OUT of the bay and away from the driveway of the emissions place and REMOVE the device. The emission checkers aren’t allowed to do it for you.

After you remove the device – reaching down and giving a little – and I mean LITTLE – tug to remove the gizmo – you get to get BACK in line so you can have your emissions checked.

And after you pass, which you knew you would, you drive out of the bay and replug the device into the computer. Just so you can accelerate extremely and then slam on your brakes because you remembered that you hadn’t gotten the piece of paper saying you successfully passed the emissions and could now reregister your car for another year on the road.

After this I’m going to take the bus. Let them worry about insurance discounts.